Posts

Fears

Hi. Writing after 15 days. Actually hota to bhot kuch hai share krne ko but na time milta hai aur na hi mauka. Fir lagta hai ki chod ab kya hi share Krna. Aaj ghar me ladai ho gyi thi. Mmy aur bhaiya ke beech bhot zada. Traumatic lagne lagta hai. But koi ni. Manage kar liya tha maine khud ko. Kafi dino se kuch kuch purani baatein yaad aa rhi hain. I don't have any person to share these but agar bas apne andar rkhungi to aur pareshan hoti rahungi. Mujhe yaad aaya aaj ki when I was in that relationship na, to my then- partner cheated on me. Aur iske baare me mujhe kafi time baad pata laga. Actually I got into that relationship in a very vulnerable state kyuki dost nhi bache thay mere pas. Physical relation ke 10 days ke andar he told me that he is not committed to me kyuki Mai iss layak nhi hu jisse shaadi ki jaa sake. Body nhi hai meri attractive, dressing sense bhi nhi hai properly feminine. He told me that usko laga ki mujhe sexual needs hain and he did that to me. When I got to k...
Read more

A break

I don't know what's happening at your end. But I know about my side. All I want to say is mujhe kuch din text mat karna. Mujhe kisi se baat krne ka Mann nhi hai. 10-15 days. My mind is just overly disturbed. And I'm not able to process even smaller things. Isliye please don't expect anything out of me. Don't expect that I'll be sharing things and notifications with you. Khud se dekhlena sab. I just don't want to talk with anyone. I am just done. Can't find peace.
Read more

Just don't understand

I just don't understand kya ho rha hai. Ek time tha jab bed pe girte hi neend aajati thi, aur ab 2 ghante tak imagine karna pdta hai ki tumhare sath hoti toh kya karti, kya bolti, kya baat karte.... Pehle sapne nhi aate thay, ab sapne aate hain. Aaj subeh sapna aaya tha ki tumhare ghar me hu, shayd married hu. Kuch event tha toh sab aaye hue thay, bhot sare relatives. Bheed thi bhot. Vahan sab aise treat krre hain jaise mai koi outsider hu, jaise bas mauka hi dhund rahe hain mujhe taunt krne ka but on the other hand I'm giving my best to ghar vale aur jitne bhi bacche hain they are happy. Neha didi nhi dikhi thi. Vinita didi dikhi toh vo ye sab notice krri thi ki how I'm treating everyone so nicely and friendly. Sab ko hasana... Bacche bhi comfortable hai. Mast ekdum. Toh vo aise hi apne pas bulati hain aur side me baithne ko bolti hain... Fir aise hi puchti hain ki tum apna instagram page dikhao, maine bola nhi hai, kehti koi social media account, maine bola nahi hai. Bas ...
Read more

I need some time.

Kal ka din was worst in last several months... I tried to commit suicide in front of everyone. Took the knife and sliced it on my left wrist. Pura incident kya tha I'll tell you when I'll get enough time and space. But I don't want you to get panicked. I am telling you this kyuki I want you to understand the seriousness of my situation. All I want from you is some space. Don't text me theek ho? I don't want anyone to text me until and unless koi kaam na ho. I'm having a difficult phase.  Till then you take care. Normal friendly convo ke liye mana nhi hai but still. Uske peeche bhi koi reason hona chaiye.  Tensed mat hona. I know it was my stupidity and maine vo sab frustration me aake kiya. I regret it kyuki still kya hi image reh gyi meri ghar me... Ek loser vali. I don't know what to do. I need some space, some silence.  Thanks. Take care. 
Read more

Don't know what to do!

Hi Actually kuch zada mere pas hota nhi hai isliye I don't write regularly. Din ajeeb jate hain. Kuch aisa ho hi jata hai daily jiske bad I feel very sad and sochti bhi hi ki I'll write it in blog but fir situation nhi mil pati mujhe. Aaj I couldn't stop myself from writing kyuki aaj ajeeb hi ho gya. Shaam ko kuch aisa hua jiske bad mera accha khasa mood ek second me off ho gya. Simple hai kisi ne kuch bol diya. Jisko mujhe kafi hurtful laga. Fir sham ko tumne jo news di ussey aur self doubt aagya whether I'm good for you or not. Mood kharab hi tha ki ghar pe kuku se argument ho gyi bhot choti si baat pe. Actually ghar ke kaam related baat pe. I was tired physically and mentally bhi toh maine bol diya ki mai bartan nhi dhoungi. The problem I felt was ki mujhe choice kyu nhi milti kaam ki. Vo dono apas me decide krleti hain kya karengi and mujhe bada vala ya time consuming kaam bata deti hain. I wake up early, unse 2-3 ghante pehle uthti hu. Don't even sit for a minu...
Read more

Not so good. But still managing....

Days are not going so well. Actually nothing to worry but still I miss going out. Garmi zada hoti hai so I can't go out for walk even. Fir kaam me hi busy ho jati hu. Anjali aur tumko reels bhejke accha feel karati hu khud ko... Feels like I'm still connected with you. Hope things get better soon. Kisi din itni pdhai ho jati hai aur kisi din apna ipad bhi nhi touch kar pati. Silly life. But I'll make through it. Waiting for admission to come. I want to do something. Exam date bhi nhi aari toh motivation nhi aara abhi pdhne ka. Hope it comes soon. Tumse baat krne ka bhot Mann karta hai but I don't use phone for a long time now. Accha nhi lagta. Kyuki koi reason banta nhi hai. Ab toh college bhi nhi hai na. Acha I have cleared my phone. Deleted everything. Kuch kuch save Krliya jo important laga mujhe. Still you keep photos with you. Kisi drive folder me save krlena. Mera phone update hua toh zada arrangements nhi kar payi mai. Still. Feels happy that you are good with fa...
Read more

Mai Ro Dungi!!

Aaj ka din was worst of these three days post-college. I was overly occupied with things I don't know why. Woke up jaldi at 730 cz mmy has to go at 830. When mmy left, I got freshen up, made chai bcz mmy ne parathe already bana diye thay. Then sath me dudh boil Kiya. Ye sab kaam hora tha toh socha raat ke itne bartan gande pade hain sink me plus subeh breakfast banane vale bhi bartan bhi thay so I thought of washing them kyuki no one was up then. Ye sab kaam ke bad I waited for a bit but then so gyi. El ghanta soke I woke up at 10. Baki log bhi uthe toh I had my breakfast with them. Mmy got back. Then ghar ka kaam. Jhaadu pochha and several other chota mota kaam ghar ka. Ghar ka kaam hone ke bad I thought I will sit for study but didn't make it kyuki bhaiya ne apne room me safai ka bol diya. Though I didn't do anything specific but had to stand with him for everything bcz he needs someone to talk... And yes that talking is again too tiring bcz you need to constantly use you...
Read more