two more to go...

Hi Shivi, so first of all thanks so much for reading my blogs and it’s not the case that I was not writing regularly because I had a doubt whether you are reading, actually I thought that you must be reading from the very first day I started, but lol cuz you didn’t. Yeah, so reason behind my irregularity was my priority towards other things, including exams, home, going for sleep even if I don’t feel like sleeping just because my mum has gone to sleep so I can’t keep the lights on and if I can’t keep the light on, I can’t use phone or any other digital device. So yeah, life is quite complex at my end. So sorry for my irregularity. 

So we are done with two of our final sem exams and two more are left. This simply means only two days are left and maybe we will not be seeing each other for god knows how many days. But yeah, I’m excited for this because I am that sort of a person who has an extreme quarrel with concept of waiting, keeping the fact that I waited for Nayan for almost five years (excluding the time when we both were just friends or in a relation, though it was not a relation, we were just talking). Those five years were difficult for me and at the same time easy as well. The thing which kept me waiting was a question that if that person has said to me “I love you” and has been talking with me for an year, then how can he leave me or stop loving me without even saying a single word. I will ask him, and till the time I don’t get an answer from him, I’ll not trust anyone and my feelings would remain the same. I spent my class tenth, waiting for him to speak, but he didn’t. Class eleventh and twelfth, though we were not in the same stream but universe aligned the situation that most of our classes of common subjects were held together the whole of two years, then boards came, and school ended. Covid came and I got totally alone. Now you must be thinking that I always talk about my school time bf, yes I had in class 12, but it was not that sort of a relation which gave me anything to remember because I cleared everything to him regarding my feeling about Nayan and he was like I will make you love me and I will never leave you…. But you did bro, just before the second board exam, your text came that you can’t continue this, sorry and bye. After that, not a single text. I got all alone. I needed a friend but no one was here. I kept on thinking what have I done wrong? Even the number of female friends I had in school didn’t put a single hello. Devastated with my own actions and choices, I completely made myself realise that Nayan ka wait karna is unnecessary because if no one wants to befriend with you, then who would want to love you. Papa chale gaye and Nayan ka text came. That was the turning point because that was the time when I realised that what a great friend I have got, we promised each other that we won’t discuss our past and will stay as friends always. Though he cleared everything with me in my final year of undergrad. It was disturbing for me that what he felt during school time was just an attraction and he had no feelings for me and he is sorry for not clearing this till then and making me wait for so long. 

So the point of me discussing this is that I Waited for that person not because I had hopes that he would come back, though I had some. But I waited because things were not clear and I didn’t want to end my feelings until he would tell me directly. We will be parting soon and we don’t know when we will be meeting again. All we will be doing is to just wait. This time koi doubt nhi hai, aur na hi koi question hai. But jab pehle wait karne ke liye socha nhi tha, apne aap ho gaya toh shayad is baar bhi ho jaye. 

Karlenge sath me. Kabhi kabhi hopeless ho jati hu ki agar nahi kar payi. But fir ye hi sab yaad karke sambhal leti hu khud ko. Sumo tune pehle bhi kiya hai. Tu karlegi. Trust me. Milte hain chalo. Khayal rakhio. 

Sumo