Thoda ruko, then act karo.

5.5.25
Not feeling good. Subeh se hi. Reason bhi janti hu. Bas batana nhi chahti. It doesn't mean that I'm not happy with your growth but it's just the fact that ab Darr lagne laga hai what if mai peeche na reh jau... Tumse... Aur baki sab se. I'm sorry. I know I shouldn't think this way but can't help. It's just my mind playing with my emotions. 

But great. You are growing... Cheers to you buddy. Acha laga time spend krke sath me. Atleast I can forget my anxiety for sometime when I'm in your proximity (atleast for sometime). But then fir se mujhe vo Darr andar se khane lagta hai... Satane lagta hai. Took medicines so that neend aa jaye. Jaldi. Ab bas sona hi accha lagta hai mujhe kyuki life me koi maqsad feel nhi hota. 


Aaj raat khane ke bad I was tired, pehle aise hi baat cheet hui fir maine socha khake pdhungi but mmy ne bol diya bartan dhone ko. I was not in a mood. Maine saaf mana kar diya. Mai nhi dhoungi. Irritate bhi hui thodi der. Fir 5 min baad khud hi uthke chali gyi dhone. Ek realisation hua ki if mai ye kaam nhi karti aur apna pdhai vagera dekhti toh shyd vo peace nhi milti mujhe, ek regret rehta ki mmy ka bola hua kaam nhi kiya, aur shyd dhang se pdh bhi nhi pati. Dhone ke time sochti rahi ki ab theek hai... Bhale hi 15 min lag gaye but atleast koi regret nhi hoga ab pdhne baithne me. This makes me understand ki immediate-impulsive reaction kbhi aapko vo satisfaction aur peace nhi de skte jo 5min ruk kar sochna aur fir act karna de skta hai. 

Similar what happened in the day. If I'm upset with something and I want to react, this doesn't mean I should react. Maybe I should take sometime, think thoda sa and then actually accordingly. Aur ye shyd vahi hai jo maine kiya. Though rone ka Mann karta hai but aise toh mai khud ko hi vulnerable bana dungi... Thoda rukna is better. Always. 

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