I feel like Drownin'... Into the Abyss...

Days are going so bad. Aaj ka toh kal se zada bura tha. Kuch nhi hora. Boring subeh, pata nhi kyu hi uth jati hu har subeh. Koi motive feel nhi hora. Exam ke liye bhi nhi Mann karta padhne ka kyuki I know apna semester bekar kar chuki hu mai. Better hota internals me mehnat karleti, teachers ki nazaro me rehti, na ki unse chhup ke. Kam se kam PhD milne ke to chances hote. Kash mai time reverse kar skti. But sach bolu, vo bhi karne ka Mann nhi h. I'm so boring.... I don't want to do anything. Sab bekar h. Mujhe nhi karna kuch. Mujhe vo calling jaisa kuch feel nhi hora kahin se bhi. Na pdhai se aur na hi career se. Pata nhi kya sochti thi mai pehle jo apne future self ko sochkar accha lgta tha. But ab kuch nhi hai. Sab bekar lgra hai. Mujhe nhi Banna prof. Kya hi karungi bankar. Kisi teacher ke samne do line bol nhi pati mai. Aur kaise hi bolungi, kuch bolne ke liye kuch aana zaruri hai na. Mujhe kuch ni aata. Teachers don't know me. Nobody. Pata nhi kya hoga. 
I'm not writing this to ask for any sort of sympathy. To be honest mujhe accha lagra hai iss depressed state me rehna. Aaj sone ke time koshish krri thi neend aa jaye but thodi hi der me Ghar ke baki log aake vahan baatein karne lage. Nhi so payi. Uthke pdhna shuru kiya toh samne bs letters read krri thi but dimag me kuch ni jata. Toh nahane ke bahane gyi aur bathroom me bhot royi. But rone ke bad Mann hi nhi kiya kuch theek ho. Jo jaise chalra hai chalne deti hu. Man kar rha hai jaise gir rahi hu vaise hi aur girti jau... Aur neeche... aur neeche... And I am feeling this rn. This neeche girna. I don't want to do anything. Nahi likh rahi mai paper. Boring lagra hai sab. Interest hi nhi aara. Lag hi nhi Raha ki mai kuch kar skti hu kyuki lagega toh tab na jab mere sath kuch ho. Mere sath kuch hota hi nhi hai. Mai kuch kar hi nhi pati. Bs jab bhi Darr lagta hai I try to escape. Tila ka test ho ya sudha ka tute... Sabse escape kiya hai maine and see I have got the results. Whoaaa... Such shitty grades I have this semester. I mean really yuck. I hate myself for this. Literally kitna gira hua level ho gya hai mera. My ex-friends would be so happy seeing my marks. They have got everything. Marks, literally they have got 23-24-25... And mine highest was 20. Yuck... They have got such good courses... Job bhi karlenge because they want to. But I don't want to do anything yar. Fuck. Kitni bekar life h ye. Bogus. Just hate this. 

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No matter what happens!

Hi So kal ka din jitna bhi horrifying raha ho, aaj din utna hi thanda tha mere liye. Subeh se hi so chill. Ek bhaaripan bhi tha but jitna bhaaripan tha utna hi light bhi feel hora tha. Khushi si thi thay you had went for your exam. Excitement bhi thi ki kaise hoga exam. Subeh se sara kaam maine kiya aaj. Breakfast jhaadu pochha sab kuch... Aur fir pdh bhi liya thoda sa. Acha laga. Dopahar me jab pdh rhi thi toh aise hi khayal aaya ki tum kitna kuch karte ho. Aur mai kitna bura behave karti hu humesha. Tumko kbhi kbhi lgta hoga ki tumhara meri life me hone se kuch fayda bhi hai ya nhi kyuki dukhi toh mai ab bhi ho jati hu. Aur kisi bhi type ke relationship me Khushi sabse zada important hoti hai. Tum sochte hoge whether mai khush hu ya nhi. Yehi sab sochke introspect krne lagi toh realise hua that change aaya hai mujhme bhi. Though meri life me problems hain aur mai roti bhi bhot hu but ek cheez h jo ab nhi hai meri life me. Bhale hi itne din Mai pareshan thi but ek pal bhi mere mind me...
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I need some time.

Kal ka din was worst in last several months... I tried to commit suicide in front of everyone. Took the knife and sliced it on my left wrist. Pura incident kya tha I'll tell you when I'll get enough time and space. But I don't want you to get panicked. I am telling you this kyuki I want you to understand the seriousness of my situation. All I want from you is some space. Don't text me theek ho? I don't want anyone to text me until and unless koi kaam na ho. I'm having a difficult phase.  Till then you take care. Normal friendly convo ke liye mana nhi hai but still. Uske peeche bhi koi reason hona chaiye.  Tensed mat hona. I know it was my stupidity and maine vo sab frustration me aake kiya. I regret it kyuki still kya hi image reh gyi meri ghar me... Ek loser vali. I don't know what to do. I need some space, some silence.  Thanks. Take care. 
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Stay away

I really didn’t like the way you wrote kal ka blog. Maine apna blog isliye nhi likha tha that you will write just a reaction on that in your blog but you did. I’m so sorry. Blog should be whatever you want to write and I should not have any say in that, you can do whatever you like. But bro! since I clearly mentioned that I don’t want any kind of sympathy so please. It didn’t helped me rather it worsened my state of mind. The time I was reading it in the morning, I promised myself that I will not write any blog from now onwards because reading your blog made me so sick in head, and the funny part was that even if I have bad days, I begin my next morning with a hope that things will change today but now you can expect what have I felt after reading your blog. Seriously I don’t need your help. I don’t need anyone’s help and I don’t need anyone. Blog should be yours, not for me. Now you must be thinking that how rude I am that you have your exam after two days and I am saying such bad thi...
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